Two Months

So... somehow, sweet Layla is two months old now!  What?  That's ridiculous to me.  I did okay on the 10th, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up about it once or twice...  like when she fell asleep on me as we rocked in the glider, her head on my chest, my shirt balled up in one of her tiny hands... or when I was looking at pictures from her birthday (a rabbit hole I probably should have avoided).  She is growing before my very eyes, but it was never more obvious to me than when I compared two month old Layla to barely even 24 hours old Layla.  I kept seeing this quote this week: time is a thief.  I never really understood it until I had a daughter.  Now I get it.

I also teared up when I was in the shower, remembering the first one I took after she was born.  It was the next morning (she wasn't even 24 hours old yet) and after I gathered all of my travel bottles of shampoo and conditioner and face wash and soap, I turned the water up as high as I could stand it and gingerly stepped inside.  In a way, I still couldn't believe the previous two days--the 21 hour marathon of laboring and delivering our girl--had actually happened.  It was the moment we had been waiting for and preparing for and anticipating with bated breath for months... and now Layla was here.  The thought was almost too much to bear and in that moment, as I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair and steadied myself against the support rails in the shower, I began to cry.

I felt so profoundly lonely.  It knocked me over like a tsunami.  Two nights before, while Tom slept by my side in the most uncomfortable recliner, I lay there suspended in a half awake, half asleep state and watched the monitor, Layla's heartbeat and my contractions (contractions I couldn't feel personally, but my hands were resting on my belly and I knew they were happening through my palms).  I dozed off listening to her heartbeat, trying to savor each second, knowing that these were the last moments we would spend together like this.  That with every minute that passed, we drew closer and closer to meeting.  I didn't want to forget this.  For all the discomfort and the anxiety and the worry, I knew she would be worth it.

Two months later, I haven't forgotten how it all felt.  And the loneliness I felt at suddenly being singular again?  I'm happy to say it has faded relatively quickly.  Because her presence in our world has filled my life with such brightness and joy.  I can't believe she's ours!  It is so hard to see her grow up so quickly, it is happening so gradually but it is happening, and yet... to watch her learn and to begin to understand the world?  That is something else.  She is so easy going and cheerful.  And sassy, already.  And sweet!  I feel so fortunate to be on the receiving end of all of the smiles she dishes out.  It's a pretty spectacular thing, being Layla's mom.

I'm going back to work in a few weeks.  Really, that deserves a post all of its own.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, a lot of emotions I'm still sorting through.  I am so sad maternity leave is almost over--it has FLOWN by.  I will miss being with her all day...  However, I know it will be good for me to get out of the house and put on real clothes and talk to adults, and it will be good for Layla, too.  She will be in good hands.  And I will be okay, too.

Layla is teaching me that the laundry, the dishes, can wait until later.
She's teaching me to be flexible, to be confident in my abilities, to trust myself.
There's a big beautiful world out there, and I can't wait to see it through her eyes.

Here's to the first two months of being her mom, and all the rest yet to come.