Magic

I missed beer... and wine.  And spirits I suppose.  I mean, there's something satisfying about an ice cold beer on a hot summer day, or pairing the perfect wine with dinner, or a cocktail shared with friends.  Plus, a large part of my job involves libations.  Come find me at work and we'll talk food, we'll talk wine, we'll talk beer.  I was, of course, more than happy to abstain for Layla's sake; over the course of my pregnancy, I had a nominal amount of alcohol (and she doesn't seem to be any worse for the wear from it).

The first thing I had when I got home from the hospital was a bottle of New Glarus Brewing Co. Spotted Cow that had been waiting for me in the fridge.  My sister held tiny newborn Layla who fit right in the crook of her arm and I sipped it slowly, savoring it.  (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit about Layla being that small... she was almost 9 pounds at birth!  But you know what I mean).  Probably the best beer of my life, the second being the beer I had after the Chicago Marathon.

I missed coffee, too.  Being that my schedule has always been pretty variable, with early mornings and late nights, I've always had a healthy relationship with coffee and caffeine.  I could and did drink it when I could after I got pregnant, but that truly was not very often because caffeine left me feeling pretty crappy.  Depending on the day, I might be able to drink a whole latte, or... I might get just a few sips into my demo sized cup of coffee after just getting to work and have heart palpitations and nausea.  It was a crap shoot and for that reason, I pretty much just stopped.  Now that I'm no longer pregnant... and a parent to a newborn...  coffee and I are best friends again.

I missed sleeping more than two hours at a time.  When I was pregnant, I was up frequently to pee.  Or to switch positions.  Because moving required heaving my belly over to the other side, along with any pillows I might be utilizing, and was often enough activity to wake me up.  Layla would frequently keep me up with her dance parties, too, so I'd wake up in the middle of the night and then she decided she wanted to be up.  Sometimes there was just no going back to sleep.  Makes sense, considering I probably rocked her to sleep all day with my constant walking around at work. 

Now that she is here, Layla is a pretty good sleeper at night and generally, thankfully, gives us a 4-6 hour chunk at night.  We are still tired (because it's not particularly restful sleep) and we're probably not going to get a full night of sleep for many years, but we know we are lucky.  Now that she is here, I miss her keeping me awake like that (it was a little more pleasant than being woken up with screaming haha) and feeling her move inside my growing belly.  I was so uncomfortable but there was something so reassuring about those kicks and flips and her (GIANT, as I discovered when she was born) feet in my ribcage... feeling her hiccups in various parts of my midsection. 

For everything I missed while I was pregnant with her, I realized after her birth that I wasn't really missing anything, that I actually found so much more.  I didn't really realize how magical it would be to look into her eyes for the first time, or to get that first big REAL smile of recognition (or to watch her smile like that at her dad).  I didn't know how amazing it would be to watch her learn and grow.  This is going so fast and I am trying to savor all of it and I wish it would slow down... yet, I know to even be on this journey, I know I'm lucky.  It is a gift.

Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done, the most vulnerable thing I have ever done--but it's also the most rewarding and the most beautiful and the most fulfilling.  There's an old adage I love about your baby being the only one who knows what your heart sounds like from the inside. Well... now I know what it's like to have my heart walking around outside of my body.  She and I are bound together by that and she is unequivocally worth all of it.