Layla is over a month old. Sometimes I feel like I blinked... how could she possibly be over a month old already? Other times... the days really do feel rather long. Still, I'm grateful for all of it. Being her mom... how could I ever have imagined how powerful that would be?
She is the best thing that has ever happened to us. Frankly, I don't really even remember anymore what life was like without her. Before her. I mean, I have these vague notions, but compared to the technicolor wonder of her mere existence, they pale in comparison.
I attempt to do a few self-care type things every day... this is better for my sanity as a mom and better for Layla, too. One thing I always try to do is take a shower; I haven't been brave enough to attempt it solo, while she naps during the day, but when her dad is home after work, I'm generally able to find the time. It's like the one moment during the day where I have a few minutes to myself... I am so happy to share my days, and my whole self, with Layla, but I am still making the transition into this new role... so sometimes it's nice to be able to stand under the hot water and take a deep breath and be still and be singular. Usually, I miss Layla and her dad already by the time I've put in conditioner and started washing my face. I guess that's just the way it goes. I even miss her when she's sleeping sometimes.
I'm lucky that I had a, relatively speaking, complication free pregnancy. I definitely don't take it for granted. I found out that I was pregnant on the morning of my 30th birthday (a day I will never, ever forget). I was so sick in the beginning--I remember a phone call with my mom, where I cried to her that I felt so awful that I couldn't even keep down water, that the only thing that sounded good was cake. Her response? "Eat the cake." Morning sickness was definitely a misnomer for me, but by the time that I got into the second trimester, I started feeling better.
There were times where I struggled mentally and emotionally with being pregnant... I loved our kid more than anything in the world, but I felt pretty rough some days. The changes were hard to process, and I felt really uncomfortable in my own body. As she grew, though, and as I began to feel her move around more often, I began to feel more secure in what was happening to her and to me, more comfortable with being pregnant. Now that she's here, I find it to be true that I miss feeling her move around in my belly. I'm glad I have videos and photos to document that connection.
The third trimester was not without its issues... I ended up having to go to PT because I was experiencing intense back and rib pain, thanks to the girl. I had to spend time being monitored at Labor and Delivery because I caught a stomach bug and was unable to keep anything down for hours. They hooked me up to 2.5 bags of fluids and it was probably the most sick I have been in years... how terrible it felt physically, but also to be that sick while carrying Layla. I knew she was fine--she had been monitored too--but I felt so protective of her. I was glad I followed my instincts,
The last month was tough; I kept going to my OB check ups and not having any progress. Layla was doing great, which was the most important thing... but I was ready to be done, ready to meet her As the weeks passed I felt more uncomfortable, felt more worse for the wear... but looked no closer to giving birth. And as the week of her due date came, and then the actual date itself, and we didn't seem to be ready then yet, either. Who knew the next day would be the day?
Being pregnant didn't come naturally to me. It was hard. I spent 2017 training for and running the Chicago Marathon, and that was the hardest thing I'd ever done--until I became pregnant. I wouldn't trade it for anything, and hopefully we'll have the opportunity to do it again in a few years, give Layla a sibling. Marathon training probably prepared me for this whole thing, if I'm really being honest. Still, how I always imagined it would go, and how it actually went were pretty different. I am so grateful that my experience laboring and delivering her went so well (even the things that didn't go to plan). In a series of life-changing moments, our world shifted beyond comprehension. There she was, the reason for everything. It made it all worth it.
And, much to my surprise and delight, being Layla's mom came easy for me from the very start. Even those first days in the hospital, those first few nights where I didn't sleep because every squeak and whimper woke me up (spoiler alert, she's a baby so she's constantly making the most ridiculous noises, even when there's nothing wrong at all!)... those moments where I doubted myself and cried because she just wouldn't latch or she wouldn't quiet down from being fussy or I felt overwhelmed... I never felt like I couldn't do it. I felt like I was afraid of letting her down, maybe, or like I was afraid I wouldn't be able to console her quickly enough. But I am hers and she is mine, beyond a shadow of a doubt. I knew I could do it, that I would, that I would just need to be patient with her and patient with myself. And so far, we're getting along just fine. She makes it easy.
Now that she's five weeks old, it's even more wonderful than it was in the beginning: she is waking up and recognizing us and starting to become a little more active in our world every day. I was so concerned before she got here--I didn't know how to be a mom, how was I supposed to take care of a baby? I was so worried but it turns out that knowledge, the fundamental role of being one of her keepers, was inherent within me all along. Being Layla's mom is probably the most natural thing I've ever done, the most important job I've ever had.
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